I’m a sellout

Work requested I take an extension to the end of the year, and I agreed. Today should have been my one week mark to the end, but now Dec. 30th is my exit signpost.

I have very mixed feelings about all this.

Math shows me that DLJ’s income is pretty low for what it should be. I have to keep that in mind for now, that this is truly a wronged situation that will be made right one way or another. Hopefully that will change soon, but I cannnot be certain when that will be. It eats me up inside. Makes me angry. He deserves more for what he knows, and what he does. Plop that on top of $3,000 in dental bills by the end of the year…

So I had to take it. What we will do is live like I didn’t, and stash as much of it as we can to recoup the dental bills and put more away in the emergency fund.

I have to remember that when I stop working fulltime, that doesn’t mean I’m stopping working. I’m just not working for anyone else anymore. Glass will take awhile, but yes, I might actually make money at it. Getting my larger kiln will significantly up my production levels. And I will still look for web gigs on the side. I will sell things on Ebay. I will work at lowering costs everywhere else in ways that aren’t possible when you work all day and are tired and have no time. I will be earning money buy spending less of it over time.

But I forget all that and focus on DLJ’s paycheck and feel trapped and saddened. It will pass, I know it will…but it makes my plans cloudy and more uncertain. On his salary, we really couldn’t get by unless we ate ramen and sat at home in layers with the heat off, never made phone calls and got entirely rid of cable tv. But it will work out, one way or the other, because we will fix it. And if we save up the bulk of the money I make by staying here until the end of the year, and take a chunk of that and use it to offset the hard times by just adding enough to get by with no problems…hopefully that will be time for me to ramp up the glass, the ebay, get the other projects going and find the sweet spot of making enough to get by without stress on the basics…which is my goal right now.

But I still feel like a total sellout, sad, and my momentum is screwed up. I was amped, I was pumped…and now I guess I’ll go get some coffee and bring it back to my cube. My choice was the right one for our circumstances right now…but I feel lost. And I admit that there is a part of me somewhere, as a woman, as a Cancer, who wants to stay home, take care of the house, provide warm safe home, and be taken care of. But that has never been my role in this marriage, and maybe it never will be. I’ve always an extrovert, a go getter, loud, brash, independent, a grrrl instead of a girlie girl. What’s the solution, marry a rich guy? I didn’t marry for that. I married someone who will let me do what I want, be who I want, and who loves me. But what I have achieved over my grrrl years is now a pair of handcuffs. And that shouldn’t be! So I feel bad but I know it won’t be this way forever.

4 Responses to “I’m a sellout”

  1. gl. Says:

    Alas. A difficult decision, but an entirely understandable one. I went through that “just one more contract” phase, too. Don’t be discouraged. There -is- an exit for you. You know what you want and your future will be sweet. That’s better than most, who can hope for nothing more than they have. You can do this!

  2. Marianne Says:

    You are so FAR from a sellout. Sellouts do not pursue their dreams, they do not invest time and resources in creating a frickin’ GLASS STUDIO, sellouts do not bust their butts as you have and plan for a beautiful, sustainable, creative future doing what they love as you have.

    This is *six more weeks* of leveraging your most commercially marketable skills out of necessity. That’s all it is. It’s a means to an end, the end is in sight, and it’s an efficient solution to a problem.

    And as a Virgo, I adore efficiency. :)

  3. Island Girl Says:

    You are so *not* a sell-out. You are pursuing your dreams albeit a few weeks. Things will work out because you are such a careful planner and in all the years I have followed you, you have always made sure things were covered. So you work a few more weeks, it’s not like you signed up for another year. Besides, you have a wonderful husband who is so supportive of your endeavors. I wish I was a little more focused on what I’d like to do but life throws your curve balls and right now I’m trying to figure out how to hit a home run!

  4. Wellybog Says:

    Whatever you think of yourself, remember you have friends who think you’re great no matter what, and who will arrive with a drink, a nudge and a wink to cheer you up :)

    Recite to yourself “I am Carli, I rule” :)

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