Alone, but not.

I went outside today and did some weeding. I mowed. I drank tea and read a book.

I’m alone. But not entirely. I am the last pregnant woman I know well, though. My friend Patagonia went into labor today. Her estimated date was two days after mine. I know that soon we will be walking and carrying kids around together, but now I am left to waddle and swim alone during the day. It feels lonely. Having someone to go through pregnancy with was really neat. Even though we didn’t talk about babies ALL the time, being pregnant ALL the time, which was something I found tiresome at gatherings of other pregnant women, it was nice to just have someone there with you going through what you were. Everyone in my birthing classes are done, I had the latest date. So now it’s just me and the kidlet, and I’m hanging out waiting for him to decide it’s time.

And for some reason, it’s lonely.

Or it’s just those hormones. Either way, I am ready to have my body back, and meet this little dude. Meanwhile, I will continue to take walks with DLJ, swim with DLJ on weekends, and try to do things around the house/yard as best I can. I feel pretty good that I am still out there weeding and mowing at 39+ weeks, ish. My date is a little fuzzy.

But it does feel like I am the last one standing.

3 thoughts on “Alone, but not.

  1. i really like you blogging about this, lunesse. most mothers-to-be don’t discuss their ambivalence and fears of selflessness. i know you will be a loving & wonderful mother, but it’s reassuring (to me, anyway), to hear you are also a complex one.

  2. I am definitely not one of those pregnant women who think having a kid will make everything complete. I never was one of those “I can’t WAIT” Moms-to-be, and I am very glad for it.
    I know part of me is dying, frankly, with this. Who I used to be. Who I will become is not something to be scared of or sad about…but I have been aware, this whole time, that who I am, what my life is, won’t ever be the same.

    I think it’s a good thing to not have illusions about this, and to deal with it. My doula thinks a lot of postpartum depression can arise from being in denial about this, even years later.

    So while it’s not exactly fun, I am glad I am wrestling with it, and it has gotten easier. I’ve had lots of time to consciously work through saying goodbye, and striving to look forward to saying hello.

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