Is there Anybody out there…..

Just nod if you can hear me….

 

I may start writing again. A lot of change since the last time I wrote. I’m a single Mom now.  It is what it is.  It’s part of why I stopped writing anything of substance, for a couple years before the last time I wrote here, actually. But it is reality, the good and the bad. From what Don and I can tell, Derek is doing fine. We have pizza and family movie night every Sunday. A family vacation every year. Derek is winning. We are doing it right. The rest of life is a joy and an adventure, and I am happy with where I am, as a result.

But I am not going to go any more backwards. Only forwards. I think things are the best they can be. And that means I’m doing my best for myself, for Derek, for the family we are, even if it doesn’t look like what some say “normal” is. And hopefully it will always get better. It is the best it possibly can be, of what it is. I am making what is wonderful. And it is indeed, wonderful.

 

I don’t know what this will look like, if I write here. I may just not do it. Or be very selective. Some posts public, some private.

Fumbling towards Ecstacy – and standing still.

Life is…. life, these days.

Fun, fulfilling. But I feel the need for deeper connections with humans, these days. More of them.
And, I suppose, within my own family. Yet at the same time, lethargy has set in. Day in, day out.

For me, maybe this is a “con” of the internet. I have dear friends in my life, and most of them do not live where I do. A small handful do, and I am thankful for that. But my tribe is so far flung, and I think it hampers my overall satisfaction with my connections with others. I have always had room in my heart for more than one person. I love many people, deeply. DLJ is the only one that this love translates into a physical relationship, and the commitments of a partnership, but I love others, too. Connections run deep across the planet for me, but I know it isn’t the same as being there. Lately I have been wanting more deep, meaningful relationships with others. I feel this is mostly a desire to have more feedback, more interaction. Meaningful interaction, not just daily conversations with adults, the way I would if I had a full time job.
I seek experience. I always have. As a Mom with a little dude, right now my outside experiences are very few, so I know I am wanting others to bring me their lives and stories, while mine is relatively in one place, stable. Domesticated, frankly.
I wonder what the future will be. Meanwhile, I should be more content with my present. It’s what I have now, it is what we all have, right now. But I am being coached to also dream of the future, and use that for present happiness now. Planning for later, now, so that I am ready for later, when it comes.
I really want a clone. There’s just too much I want to do, and not enough time, leniency, personal freedom to do it all. And that includes being a Mom, at home, as I am. I don’t want that to go away. Just…can’t do it all.
Grass is always greener.

No room to move

Such a busy weekend. We just had bamboo floors installed in the living room and dining room, after ripping out all the carpet ourselves. White carpet in a dining room. Who does that?
Along with this is the obligatory moving around of furniture, and getting rid of things we don’t use, or giving them a better use.

Slowly but surely. The floor guys need to come back to finish the stair that goes into the sunken living room, but that is about it.

We had a birthday party to go to yesterday, and another one today. I am feverishly putting together inventory to put in a gallery tomorrow. And then I need to make MORE. MORE MORE MORE to fill out my offerings, and to put some others back out at the coast, and then try to get some up on Etsy, too. STUDIO TIME: NEEDED!

We said goodbye to a dear friend 2 days ago, our cat Lolita, who was 20. She moved in with DLJ years ago in Oakland, California. Her physical descent was quick into kidney failure and we brought her to the vet to stop her pain on Friday. It was a sad day, but I feel better knowing she is no longer declining. She wasn’t eating at all and every day looked worse and worse. She wasn’t Lolita as we knew her, so I know we were doing the right thing.

Life goes on. Halloween, we are finishing up Derek’s costume today, and need to carve one more pumpkin.
With that, we are quite busy today. I sort of envy the snow storm in the east, I know the power outages and such are not fun, but there is something cozy about a house with all that snow…. if you have power and heat somehow, of course.

Happy Halloween/Samhain!

Enter Summer

It’s raining tonight. It’s a nice, cozy rain. We went to a birthday party earlier for one of Derek’s friends and it was a good time, good food and friends. There was a point were most of the kids were running in crazy circles around the house, faster and faster and louder, and eventually, two bonked and cried, but soon they were all running again, it was so loud we adults could barely talk…..
…except for Derek and one of his friends, who were over in the family room playing together, putting cars in a giant recycling truck, completely oblivious to all the craziness going on, which seemed impossible, it was so rambunctious.

I love my little dude!

I sold a lot of excess glass today, and my first flameworking torch. Sniff. But it had been sitting on a shelf. I repainted my studio Saturday, finishing up painting over most of the pale yellow areas a light blue. And now, suddenly, even though the paint job was quick and imperfect, I am on this minimalist kick in there. I took down posters, postcards, etc., in order to paint, and now I don’t want to put any of them back up. So for now they are stored away until I decide if I want anything in there again. Funny.

I just signed Derek up for his summer swimming lessons, so I think our summer schedule is now complete. A gym sports kind of class on Tuesday mornings, swimming on Thursday evenings, speech therapy on Fridays (he is doing very well with his stutter these weeks. Except when excited, it is almost nonexistent, which is very good progress and bodes well for the future with this and eliminating it completely) and then hopefully Friday playgroup. Oh, and a playgroup at his preschool in the forest on most Wednesdays. That leaves Monday for shopping, one day for a babysitter, and the rest of the time for playing with friends, hanging out at home, zoo, etc.

In other news, we bleached the hell out of our bathroom today. The shower pan is so old that the sealant is gone, and we can’t get it back on there (its a pebbled shower pan, huge and heavy.) So we can bleach it and leave it for two weeks. That means we shower downstairs for two weeks. Excitement around here, I tell you. Oh well, it will feel exotic, showering in a “new” location.

Thrilling, huh?

Emptying out.

I sold the glider chair today. The one I sat in with Derek the first days of his life in the world,all the way up until the day before we put his big boy bed that we built by hand into his room. That was Memorial Day weekend.
It went to a guy for his fiance, they are expecting a little girl. I sent him the links for the Miracle Blanket and Happiest Baby on the Block and wished him well.

*Sniff*

I got the glider used myself, so I ended up breaking even on it.

How they grow. But Derek’s room looks nice, with lots more room with that big chair gone. Still. So many evenings, mornings, late nights…..listening to the guy deliver newspapers at 3:30 AM, when I was up night after night when he was….watching the seasons change from that chair….


Derek in the chair with Gram, just a few days old. Can’t see the chair but… whatever. =)

time. it passes. pay attention.

Rainy Holiday weekend.

Well, I guess it is not the weekend yet. Derek is upstairs and I am trying to get him dressed to go swimming, but he is being very dawdly today. I fear this will end in a freakout when it is too late to go swimming, but he has to learn to get dressed at least semi-efficiently if he wants to go out.

The rain is pouring down, I can hear it through the layers of wood and insulation that is the roof.

Our big project this weekend is Derek’s bed. He will be 4 in August, but still sleeps in his coverted crib, it just has a low bar along one side so he doesn’t fall out. He has been so happy in it over time we saw no reason to hurry to move to a twin size bed. I am sure he is the last of his friends to make the switch, but little childhood is so fleeting, we are in no hurry….but he is getting TALL. It’s time, soon he will be squished out of the bed anyway.

So I have been very mindful this past week at bedtime, at what it feels like to sit right next to him, holding his hand before we leave the room, what he looks like when we walk in to check on him, the size of him in this bed, his very first one, save for the sidecar crib we had next to me in our room when he was an infant. I am eager to make his new bed, but I am indeed taking the time to stop and reflect and enjoy these last nights and naps where I can sit right next to him, even lay down, my hand still holding his. I remember putting the crib together before he was born. It goes so fast…but not as fast as it would if I was hurrying to the next stage, and not stopping to reflect. The days are long, the years are short. I remember this every day.

His new bed is in the garage, ready to be built. We are making it ourselves, and it will have a jungle theme to it. I picked up the paint yesterday, the wood is all cut and just needs to be sanded. By the end of this holiday weekend, he should have his new bed, mostly. I have a few things I need to get for it still, but it will be read for sleeping.

I will be sure to post a picture when it is all completed.

Sit.

Derek is at school. Coffee is brewed. I will now sit outside and drink it in the sun for awhile. Then to work, packing up orders, then bikram yoga in a couple hours.

But right now…. sun and coffee.

substance…

Need to make an online journal entry of substance.

I need to make the time to do it.

How did my days get so busy, so full, so hectic? Web stuff, straw stuff, preschool stuff, little boy stuff, house stuff, preschool auction stuff, health stuff, DLJ stuff.

Well, I must get back to the STUFF. I will try to write something with decent content in the next few days.

Buried in Fiberglass Snow

Our insulation was sucking pretty hard, so we went ’round, got estimates and recommendations, and then I made the appt. Yesterday, in the afternoon, they called to confirm coming today at 8 am. WHA?

So we got everything out of the attic. Not that much stuff compared to most people, probably, but the camping gear, scuba/snorkel gear, a crapload of Thomas Dolby t shirts…..

Then DLJ took up the floorboards the previous owner had put in, planning to put them back in his own configuration when everything was done.

HAH.

Our insulation was so woefully thin….the new stuff … you can’t see the studs or where the floor used to be. At all. It looks like a 1 foot+ snowfall in the attic. Sweet, wonderful insulation to help us keep our home warm and hopefully bring down the overall heating bills.

But now we can’t put the wood, or any of the stuff….back. NOW what?

Not exactly a crisis….but a guestroom full of stuff.