Fumbling towards Ecstacy – and standing still.

Life is…. life, these days.

Fun, fulfilling. But I feel the need for deeper connections with humans, these days. More of them.
And, I suppose, within my own family. Yet at the same time, lethargy has set in. Day in, day out.

For me, maybe this is a “con” of the internet. I have dear friends in my life, and most of them do not live where I do. A small handful do, and I am thankful for that. But my tribe is so far flung, and I think it hampers my overall satisfaction with my connections with others. I have always had room in my heart for more than one person. I love many people, deeply. DLJ is the only one that this love translates into a physical relationship, and the commitments of a partnership, but I love others, too. Connections run deep across the planet for me, but I know it isn’t the same as being there. Lately I have been wanting more deep, meaningful relationships with others. I feel this is mostly a desire to have more feedback, more interaction. Meaningful interaction, not just daily conversations with adults, the way I would if I had a full time job.
I seek experience. I always have. As a Mom with a little dude, right now my outside experiences are very few, so I know I am wanting others to bring me their lives and stories, while mine is relatively in one place, stable. Domesticated, frankly.
I wonder what the future will be. Meanwhile, I should be more content with my present. It’s what I have now, it is what we all have, right now. But I am being coached to also dream of the future, and use that for present happiness now. Planning for later, now, so that I am ready for later, when it comes.
I really want a clone. There’s just too much I want to do, and not enough time, leniency, personal freedom to do it all. And that includes being a Mom, at home, as I am. I don’t want that to go away. Just…can’t do it all.
Grass is always greener.

Enter Summer

It’s raining tonight. It’s a nice, cozy rain. We went to a birthday party earlier for one of Derek’s friends and it was a good time, good food and friends. There was a point were most of the kids were running in crazy circles around the house, faster and faster and louder, and eventually, two bonked and cried, but soon they were all running again, it was so loud we adults could barely talk…..
…except for Derek and one of his friends, who were over in the family room playing together, putting cars in a giant recycling truck, completely oblivious to all the craziness going on, which seemed impossible, it was so rambunctious.

I love my little dude!

I sold a lot of excess glass today, and my first flameworking torch. Sniff. But it had been sitting on a shelf. I repainted my studio Saturday, finishing up painting over most of the pale yellow areas a light blue. And now, suddenly, even though the paint job was quick and imperfect, I am on this minimalist kick in there. I took down posters, postcards, etc., in order to paint, and now I don’t want to put any of them back up. So for now they are stored away until I decide if I want anything in there again. Funny.

I just signed Derek up for his summer swimming lessons, so I think our summer schedule is now complete. A gym sports kind of class on Tuesday mornings, swimming on Thursday evenings, speech therapy on Fridays (he is doing very well with his stutter these weeks. Except when excited, it is almost nonexistent, which is very good progress and bodes well for the future with this and eliminating it completely) and then hopefully Friday playgroup. Oh, and a playgroup at his preschool in the forest on most Wednesdays. That leaves Monday for shopping, one day for a babysitter, and the rest of the time for playing with friends, hanging out at home, zoo, etc.

In other news, we bleached the hell out of our bathroom today. The shower pan is so old that the sealant is gone, and we can’t get it back on there (its a pebbled shower pan, huge and heavy.) So we can bleach it and leave it for two weeks. That means we shower downstairs for two weeks. Excitement around here, I tell you. Oh well, it will feel exotic, showering in a “new” location.

Thrilling, huh?

Sit.

Derek is at school. Coffee is brewed. I will now sit outside and drink it in the sun for awhile. Then to work, packing up orders, then bikram yoga in a couple hours.

But right now…. sun and coffee.

Random things

No particular order or importance.

1. 2 things I learned since having a kid: Sun butter sandwiches are just delicious! (Sun butter is like peanut butter but made from sunflower seeds.)
Also, life is too short to eat anything other than whole milk yogurt (in moderation). What a simple luxury.

2. I Wish my house was all decorated like my massage-therapists business location. So soothing. Not really practical in all rooms, but maybe in some. I dunno.

3. Fall is coming. We have so few fall decorations, but I had better get them out.

That’s it. Super short. But something. Have anything to add to my numbered list? =)

Domestic bliss.

Life is pretty good around here  right now.

Tonight, after Derek goes to sleep, I am going to make this. to eat for dessert tomorrow. I am so busy these days, I don’t cook much to enjoy the process, it’s mostly about a scratch dinner that is also quick to do with a toddler underfoot. So tonight, once he is asleep, I’ll work on this recipe.
DLJ works late every Wed. He goes in right after lunch, and comes home late at night. I really have come to enjoy this arrangement. I get him at home for half a day, once a week. He gets time to work on his projects at work when no one is bugging him during working hours to do something else. I get my “alone” time every week to do what I please, be it work, or just reading, or, like tonight, mindful cooking. The days are getting easier, Derek as a toddler is a challenge, of course, but he is not 100% needing me every moment anymore. I get little breathers here and there to type, or do a quick cleaning chore, or just a moment or two to look out the window and think. It’s nice to finally be here…where my world opens up again.
We are in the middle of a lot of little house projects. Repainting the kitchen and some trim needs to be done, and we selected the color, at least. A back wall in the garden needs to be put back in. Those are the two projects I have for the spring/summer. Part of me wishes for a newer house that doesn’t need as much upkeep as ours. And if I had to do it over, I’d stay strong and wait for one with a more mid-century look than what we purchased. But overall, I do enjoy this house. And I don’t need the house of my dreams for my first house, certainly. Despite the work this house sometimes requires, it does make me feel more like we really live here, but taking care of and improving it. And even though I do get a touch of wisfulness when I visit friends with a more modern, or less-work house…what I have is a less than $700 per month mortgage for over 2k sq. feet, which is plenty of room for all of us, and a low payment that is a locked in amount that brings more peace and ease of living than a house with little work to do.
Next week Derek and I are going to Tucson to see my parents, while DLJ stays home. I know he will miss us, but he will have plenty of time for his projects he never has time for while we are around to distract him, like cleaning the garage and maybe finishing the great toolshed he built out back over the past couple weekends. And we will enjoy the desert weather. It has been raining here a lot, as it should this time of year. I appreciate it, and so do my plants that I don’t have to water every day (yet) but a small break of sun will be great for us.
That’s the news. Slow, and happy, pretty much, in our little corner of the Pacific Northwest.

Burnt

Not enough time around for all I want to do. It is no one’s fault, no one to blame, but with various illnesses, and other distractions and time sucks, I’m behind. I am behind on my glass straws. I haven’t updated that blog in weeks. Months. I just goofed on a big order and unless the buyer is nice about it, I will maybe break even. It was my own fault for not looking over an alchemy bid on etsy well enough, and as a result she’s getting a FABULOUS deal unless she is understanding about my mistake.

I love making my glass straws, I just wish I had more time. There is a due date for items to be in a local museum in a few days, and I have nothing new for it. I WANT to give them something NEW…very recent…but I may not have time. I have some good stuff in stock…but…

And then I want time alone. Time to just be. But if I take time to just be, I am not taking time to create. And I miss creating. It’s cold now down in the studio, so creating takes a little forethought to turn the heater on. I think I need to make a “Cave night.” Something a friend of mine has. Something another friend calls “bro-ing in.” I need a night to bro-in.” Or I will go mad. And I must create on that night, not sit and do nothing. The sitting and doing nothing should be daytime, during a Derek nap. Fridays were supposed to be that day…but it never happens. Hm.

So, while I would like a pony, I would also like:

A whole day to myself.

A disk cutter (saving up for that.)

Coffee that hasn’t gotten cold by the time I get to it.

An extra day every week to just be with DLJ.

One more REALLY warm day.

Drinking chocolate.

A chasing hammer.

TIME. MORE, MORE, MORE time.

I have some neat news, but it’s not completely sorted out yet. Soon.

But hey! I have a bead in a magazine! The Winter 2010 edition of <i>Bead Unique</i> has one of my focals in it. I am doing a holiday show Dec. 6 downtown in Portland, and it will be nice to have a newer magazine to display with my work. Oy. I need to finish my brochures! Another thing on the list that never ends….

Dripping…

after a shower, sprawled out on the bed. It has been a lovely weekend, fabulous weather, lots of water, fun, popsicles and lounging around.

And the riding of scooters.

He is holding a little plastic hook from our baker's rack in the house

He is holding a little plastic hook from our baker's rack in the house

My kiln needed a part and we installed it, but it still has a heating issue. I have one more thing to try, then I just don’t know. I don’t want to buy a  new one, but I will if I have to. I need that kiln NOW for a show in a couple weeks. That’s the only bummer this weekend.

Ok, off to read some NewDream.org and relax. Derek is napping very late today…which is not the greatest, but it makes for a nice late afternoon siesta for Momma.

Also, Momma’s Morning Out alone yesterday was just fab. I have a new Alone Time place. I am definitely going back. Way better than Jade Sauna.

Sweet as….

honey. I am eating local organic yogurt and local honey. The honey is AMAZING. It says here….

* All honey is from beekeepers in the Willamette Valley, Oregon—except for Fireweed from Washington and Orange Blossom from California.
* The honey is gently warmed to under 115 degrees Fahrenheit and the wax and larger particles skimmed. Unfiltered, our honey still contains traces of Pollen and Propolis, which have well documented health benefits.
* Our honey has absolutely no additives (many commercial packers add water to achieve the legal limit of 18% moisture).

All I know it is delicious and I have a  half gallon!

Brilliant Day

Today was, and still will be, I hope, wonderful.

I spent 2+ hours at a local sauna/spa relaxing, laying around nekkid, sitting in the wet sauna, sweating out toxins, taking showers and splashing with cold water infused with mugwort. It was terrific. Then I went to Powell’s and flipped through a magazine or two before coming home, refreshed. When I have free time, I go to the studio, and it was slowly driving me mad. So today, instead of DLJ and Derek going out, I went out by myself.

Then I came home and did a little work in the studio, and spent the afternoon outside with Derek and DLJ, messing with the garden, and getting the new bike trailer up and running (new inner tubes), and playing with the neighborhood kids up the street.

Now I am making homemade french onion soup, the sun is shining, and I am sure we will all go for an evening walk after dinner. The weather is fabulous, despite being super cold this morning with frost on the deck.

Very, very, VERY good day.

Achin’

Ooo.

I just took a shower with Derek AND DLJ. We were all in the garden today, a lot, and we all were dirty!

We got a yard of blended compost/soil/manure to top off our veggie beds and replenish our soil storage tanks for the growing season. Half of it is already in the backyard in the beds, and in one of the large storage containers. Then we got a yard of gravel, and all of it was shoveled out in two trips onto the driveway and now some of it is in the backyard on the beginning of the de-lawning of the veggie garden area. There’s a long way to go and a lot of plant blocker fabric and gravel to spread around, but the beds are ready, I turned them yesterday and today added the new soil and turned it all again to mix it all up.

Tomorrow I will plant, and while I was hoping to have an easy day on Sunday, I should probably do more gravel work, as it is too loud to do when Derek sleeps and not something I can really do well when he is with me in the garden, with all the trips to the driveway with the wheelbarrow.

Dinner is pasta with sauce, veggie and wine. Yum. I hope we all sleep well tonight after so much work!